Since my birthday was last Saturday and I reached an undisclosed age that is awfully close to 30, I've really been thinking and pondering over this whole "getting older" thing. I'm on the downhill slide of my late twenties, and I can honestly say thus far I've had a pretty good life. If any publishing house is ever looking for a young writer to pen a novel titled "How to Get the Most Out of Your College Experience and Young Adult Life", I would say I'm the gal for the job! Sign me up--where's my check?!?! Now that I am creeping on up to a different age bracket, I'm starting to question whether some of my usual habits are appropriate for people my age. Emily Post was gracious enough to write an instruction manual on proper place settings at an elegant dinner, the importance of a well-written thank you note, and when to wear white and linen. As handy as this can be from time to time (especially in the South where manners and such things are very important) I'm left wondering why Emily Post left out the answers to MY types of questions.
Question #1: What is the appropriate age for a woman to have short hair?
My hair has always been mid-length and blonde. I'm certainly not into the Crystal Gayle look (Google it for a good laugh today) but I realize that there will come a day when I'm supposed to have a short bouffant that needs to be washed and set at the beauty shop once a week by a woman named Lenore. I need to know the exact age this will occur so I can prepare myself for this inevitable event.
Question #2: Are we too old to sleep on a blow-up mattress?
At this stage in my life friends are getting married (and some remarried), having babies, buying homes, etc and a lot of my friends live in far away lands like Birmingham, Montgomery, and Atlanta. I'm afraid I've reached the age when it is no longer appropriate to assume I've got a prime spot on a blow-up mattress, guest bed, or couch when visiting. When my parents go out-of-town they book a hotel room. When I go out-of-town I look through my rolodex (aka Facebook) and look for the person who lives closest to my intended destination so I can crash at their house! Maybe it's because I'm cheap (thanks for THAT gene daddy!) or maybe because I like to kill two birds with one stone and visit with my friends while I'm traveling.
Questions #3: When will I start being ashamed that I know dirty rap songs?
This question is dear to my heart. I'm not a foul person--I don't curse a lot, I've never been arrested or gotten in trouble with the police, I've never stolen anything. I'm an educated person who enjoys reading classic novels and watching old movies. I like quiet evenings at home with my dogs, a nice bubble bath, and a good sermon at church. And...I know all of the words to every Tupac, Eazy E, and Notorious B.I.G song out there. As of a few weekends ago this was a skill I was still very proud to possess. But I have a feeling that no one is gonna be too impressed with a little 'ol blue-haired lady that's spitting out Juvenile lyrics under the dryer at the aforementioned beauty shop.
Question #4: When will my smell change?
Granted I have no idea what I smell like now, but for the most part I haven't heard too many complaints. I wear deodorant and shower regularly (except for No Shower Sundays but that's a whole different post!). But then again I'm sure the 90-year-old lady that hugs me at church does, too. But she doesn't exactly smell "fresh". It's almost like the musty smell that comes from my dress/coat closet--the one that I only open during Mardi Gras and the three days each year when it's below 40 degrees.
Question #5: At what age does bathroom humor become obsolete?
Just typing this question makes me giggle, so apparently I haven't reached that age yet! But seriously ya'll. There is nothing funnier to me than when someone lets out a squeeker my accident or cuts a silent-but-deadly poot in an elevator. I've seen the looks on the faces of other adults when these situations have come up and it ain't good. It is a mixture of disbelief and disgust--an awkward scrunching of the nose and watering of the eyes that obviously doesn't make them happy. I, on the other hand, am usually unsuccessfully trying to disguise my laughter. Then I talk about it for the rest of the day and laugh uncontrollably each time. I guess it will cease to be funny once I realize I just stunk up the elevator and blamed it on my husband.
Question #6: When will my biological clock start ticking?
I adore the children in my family and the children of my . They are adorable and entertaining and wonderful--especially when I get to go home and leave them at home with their parents. I know people my age or even younger who have 2-3 kids and it just blows my mind. I can't even imagine having ONE child right now! I'm still WAY too young to be a mom to anything other than Lois and Charlie (the pooches). I've been happily married for over 3 years, we are employed, we own a house....the list of reasons why we are ready to have kids goes on and on. But in the end I think we are too busy having fun and enjoying each other to want kids right now. I wonder when babies will stop being a far-off notion that makes me smile and become a deep need that keeps me up at night marking my ovulation chart on an Anne Geddes calendar?
I have many more questions about what to expect as I age gracefully (I figure if I go ahead and set my mind to "age gracefully" now it has to happen, right?) but the rest of them are probably better saved for someone with a degree in medicine. Or psychiatry. And those same questions will also be the ones that my mom would classify as "private" -- which, in Danita language, inevitably translates to "not to be aired on Facebook or that damn blog I lose sleep about at night!"
So don't worry mom! If you guys ever get anything other than dial-up internet in Kinston and you manage to read my blog posts....I'm keepin' it classy--bathroom humor and all!