Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Typical Monday

Disclaimer: You know it's going to be a doozy when the disclaimer comes at the beginning of a story! But I want to warn you, this post is pretty gross so please go back to Facebook now if you have a weak stomach.

That night was rough. And oddly enough, it had nothing to do with having a new baby at home. She was completely innocent and blessedly immune to the trials and tribulations at our house on Monday, September 19th, 2011. The day that will live in infamy.

It all started when I walked in the door after a long day at work...

As I walked in the door, H said "Don't freak out! I know he smells like shit and I'm about to bathe him right now. He rolled in doodoo on his roam and now he smells terrible!"

The "he" H was referring to was our Chocolate Lab, Charlie. Aka Chuck. He likes to go for an afternoon roam around our neighborhood, but he usually comes back unscathed. And he had indeed rolled in some serious doodoo pile somewhere along our street. The whole house smelled like a bucket of crap. It smelled SO terrible it made my eyes water. And I'm used to smelling some pretty stinky stuff!

So H grabbed Chuck's leash and some shampoo and hauled his dirty butt outside for a bath. The poor dog was COVERED in dried, caked-on doodoo. It was all over him, including his previously red collar. Charlotte, Lois (the little dog) and I walked outside with them to watch the rather amusing spectacle. Then we took a nice leisurely stroll around the 'hood so Chuck would dry off somewhat. Ahhh...peace and sanity still ruled at this point in the evening.

When we walked back inside after our walk, the ENTIRE house smelled like poo. I thought "What is the deal?!?! He just had a bath, he doesn't stink now, why does the house smell like the toilet at a fraternity house!?!?!?" We searched and searched and eventually found the culprit.

It was underneath the bed.

Apparently not only had he rolled in some other dog's "surprise", he'd also eaten it. Yep. I said eaten it. And then he threw it up in a nice, neat little pile underneath our bed. And it smelled about the way you would expect it to smell.

Now is the time to mention H has a very weak stomach. That means Super Mom here was left to clean up that pile of disgustingness. He lifted the bed while I cleaned.

And all was right with the world again.

Until Chuck got on the couch and puked up the rest of his afternoon snack. At this point, I'm wondering exactly what kind of boots I want to make with dog hide, but I grab some paper towels and start cleaning. H grabs a garbage bag and attempts to help me dispose of the mess.

And then H vomits on the floor, too!

Heaven help me! I'm about to have a purse to go with those boots now!

So I cleaned up THREE piles of vomit last night. Count 'em: THREE! Like I said, it was a rough night in the Hysterical District. Thankfully sweet little innocent Charlotte slept right on through this debacle or I would have had to have been committed. But it's nothing a BIG glass of wine on my doodoo-free porch couldn't wash away!

Thank you Lord for dogs and husbands. My life would be awfully boring without them! But I'm warning you, think long and hard before you complain about another shitty Monday. It could always be worse!

Big-Time Weekend

There were a ton of fun things going on according to my calendar this past weekend. Of course, all of them required a 2.5 hour drive. But they were SO fun and SO monumental that it was totally worth it, even though it was just me and a very cute almost-three-month-old darling in the backseat.

First of all, let it be known I was a little nervous about the drive to Kinston with just Charlotte and me. She's made the trip before, but we had a carload of fun with her and the two dogs (in addition to Harris and me, of course). This time it was just us two. And granted she is not much company on the ride, I was beyond elated that she made nary a peep on the way there and on the way back. She's just like her parents in that aspect-put either of us in a car and it's good night, Eileen. :)

Friday night was my high school's Homecoming game. I've only been to a couple (as in literally two) of games since I graduated in 2001. Pardon me while I wax nostalgia for a minute, but it's really hard for me to sit there and watch those cheerleaders hold the run-through for the players, salute the flag as the National Anthem plays, and then perform some of the exact same cheers I used to chant on those sidelines. Although there is no way in hell I could fit into my uniforms from back in the day, I would give anything to be back out there with my high-school besties-shaking my pompoms and my booty as we performed the Touchdown Dance. We didn't get to do it much, by it sure was fun when we did!

The main thing I noticed at the game was the incredible amount of REALLY young mothers. Apparently they don't have "Teen Mom" or "16 and Pregnant" in Kinston because some of these girls missed the memo that teen pregnanyc is NOT cool. Babies/Kids are super difficult, even when there are two parents with two jobs and at least a tad bit of responsibility. I can't fathom how hard it would be to be a single parent, or worse, to be a single parent and under the age of 20. My biggest worry at 20 was whether or not Crowe's Chicken would accept an out-of-town check. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

After the game we went to the Mexican restaurant in Opp and had a blast. The mariachi band played "Sweet Home Alabama" and my heart was content. Then we went to a party at someone's house and talked about the good 'ol days. It's nice to know that even though we might get older, apparently we aren't getting more mature. And we all still like beer.

Saturday morning I went to a baby shower for my cousin Hayley and her upcoming bundle of joy, Arden. My mother and I took Charlotte, because God forbid my mom miss an opportunity to show random strangers her new grandbaby!

Saturday night was the BIG event-my (gulp) 10-year high school reunion. Yikes. Despite MONTHS of planning and correspondence, we had a whopping total of 4 graduates show up. Actually, it kind of pissed me off. If I can manage to haul my newborn baby 2.5 hours BY MYSELF, then you would think some of the locals would have put forth the miniscule bit of effort it would have taken to attend. But whatever. I was able to see some of my best friends from high school and catch up on their lives. And that's what counts.

Sunday morning was church with my grandparents, and Miss Charlotte was once again the best baby! I'm so blessed to have any easy child. I'm almost afraid to have another one because she/he would probably be a terror since this one is so easy!

We had another easy trip back to the Mobeezy, and life once again settled into the normal routine. I like normal. I thrive on my normal schedule. Even after only two days, I was thrilled to see H and the pupper dogs. And they were thrilled to see us. (At least the dogs were! Haha!)

All in all, it was a pretty fabulous weekend. It makes me miss Kinston so much, even though I've grown to love the comforts of a Walmart being only 5 minutes from me at all times. And I certainly couldn't live without "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant"!