Happy Birthday!

This is my best friend Nicole (on the left). She has been my best friend and the closest thing I have ever had to a sister. I used to get so mad at my parents because they never gave me a sibling--but that was until I realized Nicole was better than the real thing. I could send her home when we were tired of each other!

But that rarely happens.

We have been the two best friends that anyone could ever have (name that tune!) since elementary school, and today is her birthday. She is old. And although it used to KILL me when I was 20---I am still younger! Neener, neener, neener! Happy Birthday Nicole!

She is beautiful inside and out.

I know she will never judge me or make fun of me. As a matter of fact, she once beat the crap of some girl because she was mean to me in middle school. You see, I've always had a problem with my mouth writing checks my butt can't cash. Lucky for me...Nicole takes up my slack.

She is the MOST hard-working girl I've ever met. She is also completely unselfish and always manages to put her family first. She would give you the shirt off her back if she loved you and you needed a shirt. She is physically strong and can carry large loads of crap to the beach.

She has great style and always knows how to have a good time! Sometimes she is crude and gross--but in the best possible way.

She is a fabulous dancer. But most of all, she is the type of person who is ALWAYS ready to get out on the dance floor! We don't do "wallflower" to say the least! We have been through 5 proms, first loves, high school sports, college, being roommates, not being roommates, being roommates again, two marriages, one big move, one divorce, being roommates again, and another big move. We have lost friends together, made new friends, watched old boyfriends move on without us, sang songs, fought, made up, gotten drunk, gotten too drunk, hugged, danced, and laughed A LOT.

We like to hug. She recognizes that sometimes I am NOT in a hugging mood, and then she leaves me alone. You see, Nicole is my best friend because she understands what makes me tick, what makes me laugh, what makes me mad....she just knows me. Probably better than anyone else in the world. And despite all of that, she still loves me. Even when I am mean, cold-hearted, snarky, snotty, etc etc etc....she loves me and she lets me be.

We used to compete over all sorts of things. I used to think she had everything in the world that I wanted. She had beautiful straight blond hair. She was tall and slim. She was incredibly athletic. All she had to do was look at a boy and they instantly came running (usually pushing me aside in the process, but that's okay). I went through quite an awkward stage (which I may still be in, the jury is still out) and she never missed a day without curled bangs or a boyfriend.

Then I realized if I couldn't BE Nicole, the next best thing was to be her BFF! And twenty-some-odd-years later....we are still best friends. FOREVER.

I wish I had the words to truly describe her. She is silly and charming, disgusting and funny, beautiful and natural. She has an ease about her. In a completely non-Lesbian way (not that there's anything wrong with that) she completes me. And as long as she lives on a different coast...a little part of my heart is missing.

We officially CAN NOT spend another birthday apart!!!

Come home soon! But until then....

Happy Birthday! Welcome to 25 (again)!

Papa Loved Mama

Somewhere waaaaay back in the deep hollows of my brain, I have compiled a list of titles for my future novels. One is called "Bootlegging the Virgin" and it's a fictional story based on a not-quite-believable story told by a fellow camp counselor when I was in college. The other is called "Memoirs of a Graceless Child" and it is a true-life account (unfortunately) of some of my childhood antics and mishaps. After a Facebook post from my bestie this morning that took me straight down memory lane, I thought I would write this one down to test the waters.


As a small-town country girl in a small-town country school, I had a love affair with education. I literally loved everything about school--the teachers, the work, the socializing, lunch, even P.E. (except for the Presidential Physical Fitness Test which is a whole different animal-why in the flip do I need to do a pull-up to get a crappy paper certificate from the President!?!?!) School was a comfortable, safe place where it was actually cool to read books and know lots of useless knowledge.

Back in elementary school there were some things that DID excite me even more than usual. An opportunity to go watch the super-cool high school cheerleaders at a pep rally was like Christmas. Field trips were treats that I looked forward to for months, even when we were just heading to the local post office to watch them sort mail. (And I'm not kidding-ask my 2nd grade teacher)

Now, many of you might not know this, but I've always been somewhat of a ham. Give me a microphone (or really anything that resembles a microphone or can be interpreted as a microphone when singing into it) and a crowd, and this gal is in her element. What can I say? I love an audience.

So....when my little elementary school announced they were holding their first annual talent show, I knew my time had finally come. This was MY opportunity to show the world what I could do. My years of singing along to every country, gospel, and show tune on the radio would finally reap the rewards I so justly deserved. And apparently some teachers agreed with me as they excitedly signed me up to sing "She's In Love With The Boy" by Trisha Yearwood. Trisha (pre-Garth Brooks extramarital affair) Yearwood was having a good year around that time, and I just knew I could do her proud.

The weeks rolled by and the day of the talent show finally arrived. I can remember being SO nervous. I desperately wanted the approval of my peers, not to mention the fact that I fully expected Broadway or Nashville to come calling after my debut so I needed to be on my game. As the day wore on, my nerves got worse. I wasn't that nervous about actually getting up in front of a crowd, because I mean....hello, that is what I was born to do! I was just worried that I would forget the words and be standing up there with an actual real-life microphone with no words coming out of my mouth.

Apparently the practice I had done in the backseat of my parent's car and on my "stage" (aka the hearth in my living room) hadn't fully prepared me for what was to come.

When the emcee called my name, I held my head high and proudly marched my 8 or 9 year old behind right up on our auditorium stage in front of MY ENTIRE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, not to mention teachers, administrators, family, and friends. And to this day, I still can't tell you why what happened next happened.

Instead of the completely appropriate song about a young girl professing her love for a boy she eventually wants to marry....I belt out every line of "Papa Loved Mama" by Garth Brooks. Now, if you aren't familiar with 'ol Garth circa the early 90's, "Papa Loved Mama" is about a truck driver who discovers his wife has been cheating on him while he's on the road. He finds out about her nocturnal transgressions and catches them...ahem, in the act...in a seedy motel. To make a long story short, Papa drives his big rig into the motel, killing Mama and her new lover.

Needless to say, when I finally put the microphone down and took my bow....all I heard was crickets.

And then the principal called my mom and had a talk about why kids don't need to listen to such trash. And I think the First Annual Talent Show became the last talent show. Nashville must have gotten wind of my fall from grace since I never did get that call. And while I'm sure Broadway would have enjoyed the theatricality of my song choice, I'm guessing they didn't need another scandal on their hands.

But just as they say, now that I am an adult I can look back on this embarrassing childhood memory and laugh. I am very thankful for that because if not I would have probably killed myself after hearing this story told and retold at countless family functions.

If you are wondering if this helped curb my thirst for stardom--it did not. I still crave the spotlight, and I still long for that EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony).

I've matured and grown up, I have realized one thing...

Drunk patrons at my local karaoke bar don't give a damn about the moral turpitude of my song choice--as long as I sing it like I mean it!

One Green Kitchen

The topic for "Show Us Your Life" over at www.kellyskornerblog.com is...KITCHENS! Wah, wah, wah :(

Normally I would include my disclaimer at the end of a post. But, since there are multiple pictures on this post (yay for me and technology as today we are friends) I thought I would apologize before you view them. I am not a fan of our kitchen. It is remarkably better than before--so much so that I won't even post the pics. All I can say is you wouldn't believe the magnolia wallpaper that some misguided, tasteless soul thought was beautiful.

Don't worry, it was not my mother-in-law who picked out, purchased, or pasted that hideous wallpaper on those poor unsuspecting walls, so I'm not offending her. :)

This is the view (kinda) as you walk into the kitchen from the dining room. We (again, I use that term loosely) replaced the old linoleum with new tile right when we moved in. Thanks to my handy dad and husband, we now have neutral flooring throughout the kitchen, laundry room, and both downstairs bathrooms. If you notice in this picture below, the door leads into a small hallway with our laundry room on the left and a bathroom on the right. The walls are a color called "Butter". I wish it was a little brighter, but the grass-green cabinets call for something a little more subdued, don't you think?

As of today, we are still working on renovating the cabinets and countertops. I can't decide if I want to just sand, paint/stain them, and get new hardware--or if I want to call a spade and spade and burn this mutha down.

No seriously....I can't figure out how to burn JUST the kitchen, so I've had to learn to live with it until we can save enough to do it the way I really want it done. Or until I win the lottery, which will probably happen before we can save that much! In honor of the "just live with it" motto, I have convinced myself to embrace the grass-green cabinets and laminate countertops. I decided if I can't beat it...I'll accessorize it! So...I throw every funky piece of art I can find (or steal from my mother-in-law and her friends) on the walls and call it a day. Throughout the past years we have collected a Bob Marley painting from Jamaica, a Ginger Woechen "Lucky Dog" canvas, Nana's beer stein (spell check someone, quick!) collection, a bobo painting I did (that you see below on the baker's rack) plus a few other odds and ends that didn't match anything else in my home. Yep...that's how I decorate! Take that Martha Stewart!

Now...since my kitchen isn't exactly where I want it to be right now, I thought I would include some of my favorite designs.

At night, when I curl up in my bed next to H and drift off...these are the kitchens that haunt my dreams. Can you just imagine having a cocktail with your girlfriend here? I sure could! We could sit here at this little island and gossip about how awesome it was that I found someone to make my fridge look like part of the cabinetry. I could astound you with interesting stories about my trip to 'ol Paris, where I scoured antique shops to find my to-die-for chandelier.

And then H would come in and ask why in the world WE needed a chandelier. And I'm back to reality.

This is probably more our style. I like some open cabinets, just not all open cabinets. I also really like open shelves in a kitchen. This room just looks comfortable--like you could hang out and cook all kinds of fish tacos in this place!

But....if I had my absolute D-R-E-A-M kitchen, it would look like the one below. White is so chic and classic. How could you possibly eat breakfast in this kitchen and worry about the emails on your blackberry or the laundry on the floor? I love the tall ceilings with the molding, too. Simply gorgeous.

In reality, I could never have this kitchen in my house. I would have to get rid of Chuck and Lois (the pupper dogs) because dog hair doesn't exactly go with this room. Only someone who owns a Chihuahua or Yorkie could realistically call this place home--not someone with a mutt and a Lab. (No matter how awesome they are!) We just can't do white in the Hysterical District (and it has taken me longer than I care to admit to finally admit that to myself).

And now...a little lagniappe....

My Kitchen Must Haves:

Stainless steel appliances

Granite countertops

Deep kitchen sinks

A window

A hanging pot rack
Wine rack

Ahhh, Bayfest....

Another Bayfest down and I lived to tell the tales! If you aren't familiar with our little city's annual 3-day music festival, let me enlighten you to some of the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things you might experience while strolling through downtown with the masses.

The Wonderful List is pretty short: hanging out with friends and family, fair food, a good song here and there, people watching, beautiful weather, the skyline of our lovely downtown....yep that's about it!

Now for the Not-So-Wonderful List:

First of all, if you have all your teeth you are already ahead of the pack. Apparently a steady intake of funnel cakes, jumbo corndogs, and "homemade" lemonade are not what 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend. They are also not what any nutritionist worth a grain of low-sodium sea salt would recommend either. I am not a skinny gal myself--never have been, and despite dieting and exercising for the better part of the last two decades, I probably won't ever be. However, while I have struggled with my body image at times, I can surely tell you that I have never and will never be 300+ lb woman defiantly eating a jumbo corndog in front of God and everybody.

Secondly, if you are already disillusioned with today's youth, this may not be the music festival for you. I heard such foul language from these hoodlums it made me question our purpose here on Earth. My dad has always said that a person who curses excessively is simply a person with a small vocabulary. And I agree 100%. I also saw so many inappropriately dressed young girls it was enough to make Lady Gaga roll over in her grave. (Even though she isn't dead--just follow me here!) Whatever happened to leaving something to the imagination!?!? Do parents these days not tell their daughters that if you dress like a slut, you're going to be treated as such?!?! I know the moms are usually the ones buying the clothes so I can't fathom WHY these girls are walking around wearing just slightly more than what I wear to bed! (And I usually sleep in my birthday suit, if that's not too much information :)

And that brings me to the next point, which I suppose answers my previous "how do these girls get these hoochie mama clothes?" question. I guess it is hard to tell your daughter to dress appropriately when you are sneaking in her closet when she isn't looking and stealing one of her tops. And then you wear it as a dress. To Bayfest. If I could have conducted a social experiment where I asked random scantily-clad women if they stole their outfit from their 13-year-old daughter's closet and gotten $1 for every yes--let's just say I wouldn't drive a Nissan. My Granny would have had a heart attack if she would have seen these things! I almost did and I'm pretty hard to shock! The only good thing that I can possibly derive from a mom and daughter sharing a shockingly awful wardrobe is that at least they get to spend more time on the street corner hookin' and less time shopping.

I guess I am a glutton for punishment because as much as I'm complaining about Bayfest....this is my third or fourth year! Haha! In my defense, I've always gotten free tickets and VIP passes so it has required little to no effort on my part. Because you can bet your life on this statement--If I had to actually BUY tickets...well, I just wouldn't buy tickets. But with free tickets it is more enjoyable. And in all honesty, I usually do have a good time in the end. Even if the line up is chock-full of one-hit wonders and musicians who haven't been relevant since my mom was quoting "Urban Cowboy", it is fun to go and gawk at the toothless wonders with powdered sugar all down the front of their Shinedown t-shirt.

I don't hate. I appreciate! See ya next year!

It's fall, ya'll!

Fall is officially here! Ring the bells! Sound the alarm! Alert the media! Actually...just walk outside, take a deep breath, and enjoy the simple fact that you don't have a steady stream of sweat dripping down your spine.

And if you're lucky enough to be blessed with curly hair (insert sarcastic eye roll here)--enjoy the fact that humidity is a distant, hazy dream. (But don't get too excited...humidity is a reoccuring nightmare that will haunt you again)

We have been BUS-Y around our neck of the woods here lately! Between work, coaching, my Mardi Gras organization, street meetings, and my ever-evolving social calendar I am one worn out gal!

There have been some interesting new developments in my little world. First of all, my lovely parentals actually have the internets now (Haha--I can't refuse a good GWB joke) and my Mutha is now on Facebook. Ahhhhh!!! This makes me incredibly nervous. I'm not worried about her finding nudie pictures of me online or anything like that, it just makes me nervous and I can't really explain it. I think my opinions might sometimes frighten her. (Although I can't blame her too much) She once told me if I didn't watch out, people back home would think I was one of those "liberals". And then I died laughing.

I finished painting the upstairs with minimal help from the hubs. He did finish rolling it--which is by far the easiest part of painting a room! But it doesn't matter because I was thankful for the relief painter. It looks FAB, but I keep forgetting to take photos. I am terrible with a camera. I don't even know why I have one other than to officially join the 21st century. Well...that and the fact that my bff moved about a bazillion miles away and took her digital camera with her. Now my personal photog that I could count on to record every single detail of our lives (the good, the bad, and the ugly) is stuck in crappy, boring Charleston taking pictures of her dog in front of random large trees. Boo on Charleston!!!

My volleyball team is now 3-0. Go St. Ignatius Impalas! Between practices, games, and one very odd child protection class I ought to be able to repeat the Catholic prayer in my sleep. But honestly...I absolutely love it. The 5th grade girls are super cool and sweet, and the parents have been so supportive and encouraging. It is H's alma mater, and he doesn't let me forget that I have a sports dynasty to uphold. He actually suggested I read Nick Saban's guide to coaching then use some great quotes to motivate my team. Ummm...thanks, but no thanks H! I will stick with telling them things like "Our socks are WAY cuter than Christ the King's--don't let them beat us with those plain 'ol white knee socks, ladies" or my personal favorite to instill some team confidence "If we lose I'm gonna tell all your parents that you are NOT allowed to go to Old Dutch Ice Cream after the game!"

We have a fun-filled October ahead of us, too. So much to do and so much fun to be had! I love this time of year. Football, Bayfest, Shrimp Festival, Halloween in New Orleans....ain't life grand?!? I will try to update more and keep all three of you loyal followers up-to-date on our adventures. I also have some great DIY fall decor that I'm attempting. (Key word: attempt) As soon as I find my digital camera I might actually take some pics to post along with all these words.

Tour of Homes-Hysteric Style

I am participating in "Show Us Your Life...Living Rooms!" from Kelly's Korner blog. I have never participated in her weekly game, but since my blog is SUPPOSED to be about renovating a historic Southern home, I thought this week's topic was right up my alley!

If you're like me at all, you are quite nosy. :) I really have no shame--I will use any excuse to get into your house and look at your furniture, paint colors, bathrooms, accessories, etc. HGTV is almost always on in the Hysterical District, especially if House Hunters is playing! I just love looking at other people's decorating ideas and family heirlooms. I am definitely one of those people who peaks in your medicine cabinet when I use the restroom at your house. And if given the opportunity, I am more than happy to look in your junk drawer and judge you accordingly. Just kidding! (Kinda)

We bought our house in August 2007, about 5 months after we got married. We (and I use that term loosely) have done a lot since then. When you walk in our front door, you are entering directly into our living room/dining room--previously known as the "receiving" room. Since our house was built in 1912 we have old, heart-pine wood floors and plaster walls. Our ceilings are either 10 or 12 ft throughout. (Sorry, I'm only 5'1 so anything over the usual 8 ft is just flippin' tall to me!) It is my dream house--even though we still have a ways to go before it's actually dreamy--and I absolutely LOVE it!

These are a few "before" pics of our house. We were in the process of moving all of my mother-in-law's stuff out at this point. Back Story: We bought the house from H's mom because it just got to be too much for her to handle. It is hard for a single woman to take care of a big old house like this--trust me, something is constantly breaking, cracking, needing a paint job....the list is endless.

This, duh, is the dining room. You can't really tell from this picture, but this is seriously the most beautiful dining room set ever created in a factory. I heart it. It completes me. I whisper sweet nothings to those chairs on a regular basis. I scrimped and saved and sold a TON of advertising to pay for it! (I also had to do some major convincing to talk H into making a purchase like this, but I won't go into the details because this is a PG site. wink wink, nudge, nudge)

This is the living room! Please pay no attention to the flat-screen just chilling on the mantel with numerous cords and wires streaming below. Would you believe me if I said the TV is now professionally installed on the wall and all of the cords are hidden safely behind the plaster? Yeah....I didn't think so. In our defense--dealing with plaster is WAY more difficult than your typical drywall. And, story of my life, it's also WAY more expensive to find someone to work on it!

That is the tour of my living/dining room! If the Magical Cleaning Fairy comes or I get a chance to actually clean the rest of the place, maybe I can participate in more of Kelly's "Show Us Your Life-Home Tours"!

Dear Facebook...

Dear Facebook,

I know we've been together for a while now, and let me start by saying I appreciate everything you've done for me over the past few years. We've been through some good times and some bad times, and I think we've matured a lot over the course of our relationship.

We've had some really great times together. I will never forget the time we sat at my house and watched "Pants on the Ground" until I almost wet my pants! It makes me laugh just thinking about it! Or, when you kept telling me "hide yo kids, hide yo wife" and I had no idea what you were talking about...and then I finally took the time to watch the video, and my life hasn't been the same since! Ahhhh...those were some freakin' awesome times.

It almost felt as if we had our own little language--a way of communicating and keeping in contact without saying anything at all. I always felt special because it was something so simple between us that even worldly, intelligent kings of industry couldn't understand. I know, I know...sometimes we took it too far with all of the "OMFGs" and political stances, but hey Boo...we were kids then.

Which kinda brings me to my point. As much as I hate to admit it, my rose-colored glasses have come off now that I'm faced with such grown-up things as a mortgage and life insurance. I can only handle so many public displays of affection before I lose my mind. You know that ain't my style, after all. I just wanted it to be easy--no commitments, no needless interactions with your friends and family (because you know I've never really liked them too much to begin with). I don't want to sound too modern, or God-forbid even mildly 'liberal', but I was just looking for a good time...no strings attached. We would maybe hook up if we were alone and bored...until this whole thing just got way more serious than I anticipated.

Over the past few months I've been dodging your messages and emails and probably even faked it a couple of times (even though I'm sure you couldn't tell). I'm sure you've wondered why I've ignored your all-too-frequent requests and invitations lately. I should have told you sooner I suppose. I mean, I'm not saying we should totally break up. It's not like I'm gonna "un-friend" you or anything! I guess I just want some time to reconnect with the person I am inside--I think I lost her somewhere between Yo-ville and my own dignity.

Honestly, in the end, I think you know me pretty well. And I don't just mean the superficial stuff like my birthday and my favorite movie! You know the real me....the me that loves Gone With the Wind AND Michelle Obama. You know my dirty secrets, yet you've never judged me. And I know you know I sometimes pretend like I'm asleep or scurry out of the room with some lame excuse when you suddenly appear to "talk"--I shouldn't have treated you like that. It isn't something I'm proud of.

But in the end, it doesn't change the way I feel now. I'm sure I will see you--it's inevitable that we will bump into each other since we have so many mutual friends and so many events on the horizon. Hopefully we can get together like old times and exchange funny stories and photos. And knowing you, you will have some sort of hilarious video or memory-lane worthy tune that will try to suck me back in! LOL....some things will never change!

Like I said, I just need to get back to reality. Please understand it's not you, it's me.

Love,
TDC