Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The No-No List

For the duration of this pregnancy I have been planning, anticipating, thinking, scheduling, and contemplating parenthood. I have already decided that my child will not only be absolutely adorable, she will no doubt also be the smartest, funniest, wittiest, coolest, etc child that ever graced the planet.

Well...duh! If you are a parent or about to be a parent in less than 4 weeks and you DON'T think those things, I would be worried.

And of course, it must be said that the main reason why Sweet Charlotte will be so smart, funny, witty, adorable, and cool is because she will have the most intelligent, well-read, well-intentioned, and maternally blessed mom in the world. Oh yeah and dad, too, but this is my blog not his so let's focus on what's really important here.

Well...duh, again! If I didn't think I was going to be a fantabulous mom I wouldn't have been actively doing the deed that causes such things.

So in all my wisdom I have compiled a list of things that I/we will NOT be doing once Charlotte arrives. Now, if you find yourself somehow on the following list--please do not be offended. I fully realize that all children are different and all parents have different parenting styles. And I also realize that I am writing this pre-baby, before I've had to deal with the not-so-glamorous side of mommyhood. So take it all with a hefty portion of of salt.

Pregnancy Photos
I am talking about belly-baring photos here folks. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the "before" belly shots so I can be damn certain there will be NO photos of my belly while I am with child.

Delivery Room Photos
Call me vain, I don't care. But there will also be NO photos of any kind in the delivery room. Write it down because this might as well be written on the 10 Commandments that Moses brought down from the Mount. "Thou shalt not have pictures of your vagina on record-no matter the circumstances". I am more than happy to pose for pictures with my beautiful baby AFTER we are appropriately groomed and ready to make our debut, thankyouverymuch.

H and I have a queen-sized bed that we already share with our 13 lb furbaby, Lois. And occasionally a 70 lb lab that likes to sneak in while I'm sleeping alone. Besides the fact that there is just literally no room at the inn, I'm a firm believer in the fact that babies and children need their own space just like adults do. Beds are for naughty, adult things like eating ice cream and watching reality television, NOT for "family togetherness" and such. Now I realize that if my child is scared or sick, this rule is bendable. But the exceptions will be few and far between, trust me.

Charlotte will have a bedtime until she is no longer living under our roof. We will not be those parents who let our child stay up until all hours of the night. Children and babies need structure and schedules. It helps them learn and pay attention, aids in digestion, makes them happier and more emotionally well-balanced....the list goes on. I had a bedtime until I left for college and look how great I turned out! Once she enters the real world and has a job, she will realize that even adults do better with a bedtime and schedule.

I think parents who homeschool their kids are weird. I also think most kids who are homeschooled are weird. Sorry! But learn more from school than just what they get from books. It's all about the experience as a whole-just like college. And as much as we might want to shield are children from the weirdos and freaks of the world, I don't know of any adults who have figured out how to hide from the weirdos and freaks once it comes time to do adult things like pay a mortgage. Embrace the freaks at an early age, that's my philosophy. If you can successfully dodge them on the playground, the office water cooler will be a breeze in 20 years.

Yes, I am going to breastfeed. And I will do so successfully because I refuse to accept the alternate option of failing. I'm a winner and I will win at breastfeeding! (I repeat this quite often so don't laugh at me!) But, with that being said, I will not be one of those moms who is breastfeeding in public. Eewww. I know, I's natural and blah, blah, blah. That's why they made bathrooms. And dressing rooms. And cars. There is no need to whip these things out in public and make other people watch my child at the trough. I don't want to watch YOU do it, so you know--the golden rule and all that stuff.

Also under this heading, but Point B: I will not be breastfeeding my toddler. Once the kid is old enough to say "Yo mom, whip that boob out! What's a kid gotta do to get some lunch around here!?!" I think it's time to move on to other options.

Again, feel free to laugh at my haughty list of things I think I won't be doing as a parent. In five years, if I'm still writing and imparting wisdom to the masses, feel free to laugh at me if you catch me breastfeeding my baby from the shopping cart while I peruse the isles at my local Winn Dixie. I promise I won't blame you one bit.

36 weeks and counting,

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