I feel as if I should say something about what happened two weeks ago, but for once I don't really have much to say.
If you read this little 'ol blog, then you might have read my post where I talked about us welcoming a new baby next May. Charlotte was going to be a big sis, scared but we were excited....
Notice the past tense?
Sadly, I had a miscarriage and we lost the baby. I hate it when people say they "lost a baby" because 1) I did not misplace a baby and 2) It makes it sound as if it's someone's fault-and the doctors assure me that's not the case. Either way, it just wasn't meant to be right now.
When I found out I was preggers again, I freaked out. We're just now starting to feel like we are getting the hang of this whole parenting thing. Charlotte is almost 16 months old and getting easier by the day. I didn't want to start over with another newborn! I was frightened that I couldn't handle it, or that I would totally fail at work AND motherhood because I was overstressed, overtired, and just plain over it all.
So I prayed. I prayed that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle. Because I know he doesn't. I prayed that His will would be done, and our little growing family would adjust both financially and physically to the upcoming changes. It took a while, but I finally started to trust that God knew we needed this addition and that He would be making our family complete.
And when that's all taken away, it stings. Okay, it more than stings. It sucks. Just when we had gotten accustomed to the fact that a new baby was on the way---and we were actually really excited!-- it is taken away.
I am really and truly okay, because everyone asks. No one quite knows what to say or how to say it. And that's okay, too. Death, even in this situation when no one else has a connection to it, is hard and complicated and sad. I just count my blessings, for which I have many. Really too many to count, but I should try because looking at them makes me realize how lucky I have been thus far in life.
But it has taught me a lesson, as all hard things should. God did know what I could and could not handle, and he did not give me more than I could bear. But in the beginning, when I looked at the pregnancy as a hinderance and an unwanted strain on the life I thought we were so happily conquering, I realized how foolish I was. It's funny how you don't even realize you wanted something until all of a sudden it is taken from you, quickly and coldly.
So next time, and hopefully there will be a next time, I will be grateful and happy from the get-go. Not disappointed in our timing, stressed, or full of questions to God. I don't want to ask the "whys" and I don't want to know the "hows". And if there isn't a next time, if Charlotte is destined to be the only child, then that's okay, too. I'm still going to trust that God knows the ultimate plan for us. I just want to be content in the blessings.