Thursday, July 12, 2012

What I'm Reading

I finally broke down and started to read 50 Shades of Grey. I'm about half-way through and all I have to say it...whoa! It's Scandalous, with a capital "S". I know a lot of people have their panties in a bunch about this book because it's being considered "mommy porn" and it takes focus off your husband or something. I don't know--it's just not a big deal to me (or H) so I don't really understand what all the fuss is about.

It's a book. It's fiction. And it's okay as far as books go, but I will admit it is a little too focused on the sex part and not as much on the story-telling part.

But that's not the point of this blog. The point is I have quite a few friends who have already read it so we all got to talking about how ridiculous it sounds to the gals who live in the real world. The real world of husbands, and some kids,  jobs, laundry, grocery shopping, etc--basically the everyday life most of us are travelling through to some degree or another.

If you haven't caught on yet, this post is gonna be about S-E-X. So, if you are easily offended or don't like to subject yourself to such filth and trash, now is the time to press the tiny "X" in the top right corner of the screen. And I would like to add my personal disclaimer: These aren't all notes from personal experience! I took some examples from my friends as we shared stories over cocktails, and this is just my satirical, sarcastic opinion. My point is certainly not to make you feel bad if you don't want to read it, because I totally understand that viewpoint, too. 

First of all, who in their right mind has a sex-slave room!?!? No one I know, thank the Lord! Can you imagine your grandma's face when she came over for Thanksgiving and walked through that door thinking it was the bathroom? "No Granny, that's just our home gym! I guess someone must have left their saddle here by mistake...". Or what about if your toddler picks up your riding crop and starts whipping the dog? Everyone I know who is lucky enough to have a spare room automatically thinks "play room" or "man cave", maybe even a "movie theater" if they're really keeping up with the Joneses. But a room full of harnesses, whips, and swings? No thanks.

In the book, Anastasia (which, by the way, who the hell is named Anastasia? I think E.L. James has her romantic period names confused) is down for It anytime. Morning, noon, night, bathtub, dinnertime, going out to get the newspaper, in the elevator, in the car. Really, Anastasia? Do you not watch "The Real Housewives"? Or "Dance Moms"? Do you not relish the few minutes of alone time you get in the shower? H is more apt to lose a body part than have it pleasured if he interrupts the few blessed moments of peace and silence I get each day.

Can I get an amen, ladies? 

And the whole contract thing is just hilarious to me! It is basically a confidentiality agreement between the two of them regarding their sex-scapades. After talking to my girlfriends, I discovered that normal married folks have sex contracts, too. It is more along the lines of "Okay, if you clean the kitchen, we can do it tonight" or "I will rub your feet/take out the trash/give the baby a bath if you _____________ (fill in the blank here, I'm not getting that dirty on my blog!)

I guess my point here is that 50 Shades of Grey is just a book. Or at least that's all it is to me. Not "Mommy Porn" or a replacement for my husband, or even some man I am lusting over in a book. Real life is full of cuddling and "Seinfeld" references, laughing when the dog farts, watching your baby learn something new, even arguing over bills. And in my opinion, real life is way better than some silly book.

Even if we don't have a sex swing.

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