Random Wednesday Thoughts

Do you ever wonder why we as women compare ourselves to other women so much? Men never seem to do that. Or if they do question their insecurities and compare themselves to other men, they never seem to voice those concerns or even dwell on the outcome of that comparison.

I've never heard a man ask if that other guy's jeans look better than his. And I've certainly never heard a man ask if he was a better father than his neighbor. Or friend. Or even a random dude at the grocery store.

Before I actually was a mom, it was so easy for me to judge other moms out there. I would venture to say I'm probably not the only one who has watched another mom's disciplinary tactics or listened to them voice their struggles and though to myself, "Ha! I will NEVER have that problem because my ways are so much better!" All I know is that I want to make the absolute best decisions for Charlotte, and I want to be the absolute best mom I can possibly be. I'm sure I will make mistakes because mistakes are inevitable in life. Thank the good Lord, we all make them.

I'm trying very hard not to compare myself to other moms these days. In the beginning, it really broke my heart that I wasn't able to breastfeed. If other moms were able to do it, I should have been able to as well. I was literally pissed off that for some reason so many other women had managed to conquer this feat, some even quite successfully. While my baby was just starving to death, there were other moms who bore their leaky boob pads proudly. It killed me! And I saw the look of disdain in some eyes when I shamefully admitted I was using formula to nourish my child. It was hard to overcome that feeling of inadequacy, especially in the beginning when I felt inadequate at everything!

As I strolled my Target onesie-clad baby and adorable little neighborhood girls wearing their adorable smocked bishop dresses just to play in the yard...I must admit I was originally more than a little intimidated. I would compare sweet Charlotte to their children and myself to the moms....and just feel like I fell totally short of the mom I expected myself to be. I threw my own little pity party on more than one occasion.

Facebook and blogs can also be a warzone for women, even if it is unintended sometimes. Some of the responses or comments I read are just so hateful and harsh it blows my mind! It almost makes you afraid to be honest about the things you want to discuss. It's rough looking at other peoples' photos and seeing extravagant birthday parties or crafty home decor. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge those people at all. I'm happy that they can manage to do all of those things, but there is some jealousy there, too, if I'm being totally honest. It's hard not to fall short every once in a while when you are trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Sometimes I find myself on the good side of my comparisons. I would think to myself "I'm never going to pawn my kid off on a babysitter every single weekend like so-and-so" or "I will spend much more time reading to my child rather than plopping them in front of the TV every evening." No, I'm not proud of it. Pride and insecurity are scary things to face, especially in the midst of the biggest unknown (new parenthood, duh) of my life thus far.

I've compared mine and H's relationship to other marriages. And let me tell you-that is pretty much always a recipe for disaster. There is always going to be someone else's situation that looks better from the outside looking in. It might look easier or more effortless, more loving or more romantic. But then again, you never get to see the stains on the carpet when you're on the outside looking in.

I really feel like this is a terrible habit of the female gender. I hate that so many of us feel like we have to tear other women down to build ourselves up. And I hate that we compare ourselves and our lifestyles to each other on so many different occasions when the simple truth is this: We are all different. Gloriously different. We have different kids, different parenting styles, different marriage relationships, different friendships. We like different foods and kinds of underwear; we even watch different televisions shows and like different kinds of music. It doesn't make me wrong and you right, it just makes us interesting and unique.

Now that I am in charge of the growth, develop, and general outcome of another human being, I'm trying really hard not to judge others so harshly. I've learned that maybe a more laid-back, less judgemental mom is the best kind of mom to be. And I've learned that sometimes the best intentions don't work out the way we planned or expected, and I would hate to know that someone is basing their opinion of me as a mother (or woman) on one simple mistake or bad decision. In the end, it doesn't really matter if Charlotte is wearing a smocked dress on a random Tuesday (although she did yesterday, yay for me!) or even if she doesn't have socks on when the baby next door is dressed like an eskimo when it's still 80 degrees outside. My baby might be smarter than yours, or she might not be potty trained before yours. But I'm going to try my best to reserve judgement and remember that all kids will reach their own milestones in their own time. To quote "Jersey Shore"... "I'm gonna do me. You do you"

I'm fairly certain it will make for a better life in the end.

However, let me worn you in advance....if you have stuffed animals in the back windshield of your car---then yes, I will probably still judge you.

But just a little.

What We've Been Up To...

First things first...SWEET BABY CHARLOTTE IS HERE! She joined the party June 27th at 3:41 pm weighing in at 7 lbs 6 oz and 20" long.

She's been here for a little over a month, which will probably explain the lapse in time since I last wrote a blog post. I've been on maternity leave (thank the good Lord) for six weeks and since I do most of my writing while I'm "working" (aka trying to look busy at my desk) I just figured my adoring fans could wait. I kid, I kid.

Things are blissfully wonderful on the home front. Charlotte sleeps about 10 hours a night, never cries, and her poop smells like sunshine and unicorns.

Again... I kid, I kid.

BUT things are pretty darn wonderful. Don't get me wrong, we have some good days and some bad days, but overall things are better than I could have ever imagined. First of all Charlotte is healthy and that was of course the biggest blessing of all. I made it through labor and delivery pretty much in one piece and without too much trauma (although I might not be able to say the same for H). And despite my two uterus (uteri?) and the fact that Charlotte was coming out malpresented (sunny-side up, only happens 5% of the time or something crazy) I managed to squeeze her out the old-fashioned way without a C-section. And plenty of drugs, like God intended.

People warned me I would never sleep again, but even sleep has been more frequent than I anticipated. I averaged a couple of naps a day because I am a firm believer in sleeping when the baby sleeps. Dishes, laundry, and sweeping be damned! She gets a bath at 9, then a bottle, then it's off to sleep until 2 or 2:30. She wakes up, takes another bottle and goes back to sleep until about 5:30. Overall, it's a pretty good schedule for a newborn and we are SO thrilled. My biggest disappointment is that I couldn't breastfeed her. I'm convinced that I did something wrong and I still feel guilty about it, but I figured even the lowly formula was better than letting the kid starve to death.

My 6 weeks of maternity leave flew by and as much as I loved getting to bond with her--I'm incredibly happy to be back at work. First of all, I'm thankful to have a job in this miserable economy, and I missed my coworkers (who are a pretty funny bunch). I also missed getting to leave the house and converse with adults about intelligent things like the upcoming football season, reality television, and stupid email forwards. I guess it makes me a bad mother, but I need the break that work provides. I need stimulation outside of poopy diapers-even if they do smell like unicorns and sunshine. It makes me a better, more patient wife and mother when I return at the end of the work day. And since people and dogs around my house like to eat and enjoy things like air conditioning and cable it is something I can justify. Don't get me wrong-I have the utmost respect for stay-at-home moms because it is seriously hard work. It's just not my cup of tea.

Overall, we are completely smitten with the new addition. She is lovely and perfect and sweet and cute and looks absolutely NOTHING like me! She does have my lips and one dipple like me, but that is the only mark I left on the child after almost 10 months in my belly. Sad, but true. Thankfully H ended up making an adorable little girl!

So...it's back to the grind as we learn to adjust to real life with a baby. So far the transition has been relatively smooth, but my head isn't that far in the sand to know that there will inevitably be rough times ahead. I'm just so happy to have H, Charlotte, Chuck and Lois along for the ride! Now that I'm back at work I will be posting more frequently with insight into our new way of life in the Hysterical District.

TDC

PS-Even with an epidural, the stork concept is WAY better than the actual thing!

Another Pregnancy Post

I thought I would write/type a few things down about this pregnancy so one day when I look back I can remember what it was REALLY like. If Charlotte is anything like me, she will love hearing stories about herself-even when she was in the womb.

I have always been afraid of pregnancy, but it really has been a breeze for the most part. I know I am incredibly lucky because I never really even had any morning sickness. The only time I remember getting sick was when one of my coworkers ate a shrimp fettucine Lean Cuisine one day for lunch, and the smell made me nauseous. Which in turn prompted me to take a pregnancy test...and you all know how that ended up! This was three days after Halloween weekend and a Widespread Panic concert in New Orleans, so I thought it could have been the remnants of the New Orleans funk but instead we were pleased to discover it was a little bambino instead!

The first trimester was great. I only gained a couple of pounds, no sickness, and only a mild tiredness. I didn't even feel pregnant, which can be good or bad. I must admit I felt a little left out as my friends drank and partied during football games, but I knew the sacrifice would be well worth it. As the baby started moving and growing, and I started to actually feel pregnant, the constant reminder of impending parenthood made missing out on things much easier!

We weren't going to find out the sex of the baby, and part of me still wishes we hadn't. We told the ultrasound tech not to tell us, so she wrote it on the pics, put it in an envelope, and sent it home with us. Of course after about two days we just couldn't stand it any longer! And then we found out we were going to be broke forever as parents of a little girl. :)

People always ask what cravings I've had. The only thing I can think of is ice cream and fruit (especially citrus fruits). And even then I wouldn't exactly call it a craving. The only real way to explain it is that foods just taste better--better than they have EVER tasted before! It's like my taste buds are on steroids and it makes everything more delicious.

Picking a name was SO hard! Once we finally realized that you can't please everybody all of the time, we settled on a beautiful family name that we love-Charlotte Day Carrigan. Or at least I love it, and isn't that really all that matters? :)

The nursery has been done for about a month, and sometimes I just go sit in there and imagine what it will be like when Charlotte is here. H does it, too. I've had four baby showers (Dauphin Island, Kinston, Orange Beach, and work) and we have been so blessed to receive the wonderful gifts our friends and family have bestowed upon us. I'm not sure we deserve it all, but we certainly appreciate it. I wish every pregnant woman could have this because it has definitely taken a lot of stress off of us! My bags are packed for the hospital, our co-pay is paid, we took the birthing class, and we are as ready as we are gonna get. I think.

At 37 1/2 weeks pregnant, my feelings are mixed. I am excited, scared, nervous, ready, anxious, amazed, hot, uncomfortable....the list goes on. I am nervous because a)she has to get OUT somehow b) what are we supposed to do when she gets here? c) what if my "instincts" that people keep referring to don't kick in? d) what if she's allergic to the dogs? e) what if my water breaks in public? f.) how do I know if she's too hot or too cold? It's 100 degrees outside so I'm always hot, but what about a baby? g) how will our family dynamics change? Seriously I could list about a million thoughts/worries that run through my head a million times a day-but I won't bore you with those.

All I know is that our lives are about to change dramatically in a matter of days. My brain can't even fathom the thought of how much is about to change. With no brothers or sisters, I have nothing whatsoever to compare this to other than my dogs. People laugh when I say that, but I love my dogs more than the average person so that is the only point of reference I have. All I know is that H and I are beyond excited to meet Miss Charlotte. That's all we can talk about. H says she's going to be the best female golfer ever, and he can't wait until she's big enough to fish in the Little Anglers Fishing Rodeo with him. Hearing the man I love talk about what he wants to do with our daughter makes me turn to a puddle of mush, I must admit. I just want her to be smart and independent and full of life. And happy-God I hope she is happy with the life we give her.

37.5 weeks pregnant and wishing the whole stork story was really how babies got here,
TDCy