Lay Off My Duggars!

I watched 19 Kids and Counting last night.

Are you surprised that the same gal who is obsessed with The Real Housewives of (Insert City of Your Choice Here) and really all other Bravo reality TV shows would also be such a big fan of the Duggars? Probably so. But in my defense, I am also a big fan of National Geographic, too, so I'm not a total flake.

I'm just a Gemini so I'm allowed to have multiple personalities.

Anywhooo....if you are living under a rock and haven't heard the news, Michelle Duggar is preggers with her 20th child. No, I did not accidentally put a zero behind a two. I meant to say 20th. It seems that a lot of people have gotten their panties in a wad about the Duggars and their obsession with reproducing. I, however, am probably in the vast minority when I say that I could give two hoots and a damn if they are adding another member to their family.

Here's why:

First of all--have you watched the show? I am amazed at how well-behaved, well-mannered, and just overall great the existing 19 kids are. They don't think twice about pitching in to help no matter what the task is. The older siblings serve as role models to the younger ones, and it's totally evident how much they all love each other.

The Duggars seem to have it all figured out. Yes, they may only wear knee-length skirts and refuse to cut their hair (I don't understand it either, I just know it's part of their religion), but I think Jim Bob and Michelle have gotten parenting and life in general down to a science. Obviously their religion plays a huge role in their lives, but the way they truly live their faith is outstanding. You never hear the parents or any of the children talk down to others, judge other people or cultures, or even lose their temper from time to time. This household is full of love, acceptance, understanding, and what I believe is the true meaning of Christianity. This is a family that serves others and has a heart of joy while doing it.

I wish I could be more like that.

On top of the overall behavior of the kids, the Duggars have absolutely zero debt. They aren't looking for handouts or help from other people or the government. They live frugally but are still able to provide their children with anything they could possibly need. I'm sure their TV show, books, and speaking engagements have helped make this possible. But I know I don't need to point out that there have been plenty of super-rich folks who've overextended their pocketbooks.

Not a single one of their 19 children is lacking for love, attention, food, etc. They volunteer selflessly to countless local, national, and international charities. Although home schooled, they are well-spoken and seem to be well-educated. All of the kids seem to be independent and very much ready for the real world. And above all else, it seems they are ready to make the real world a little bit of a better place.

While the skirt and hair thing might not be my taste, that is something I can really get behind.

Having 20 children is not something I would say is my cup of tea. As of right now, two kids seems unfathomable. Michelle and Jim Bob are raising 19 (and about to be 20) kids better than we will probably be able to raise one. That and the fact that imagining going through childbirth 18 more times kind of makes me want to rip out my own uterus via my belly button, like...yesterday.

All I know is that I really like the Duggars, and I think what they do is their business. If the Duggars want to make sweet love until they have 30 kids, it's their right. I just pray Jim Bob never gets too caught up in the glare of the camera lights and has some sort of scandal involving showering with little boys or getting caught with a bag of cocaine and a hooker in the bathroom of a Holiday Inn Express in NW Arkansas.

I get enough of that type of reality television already.

Random Wednesday Thoughts

Do you ever wonder why we as women compare ourselves to other women so much? Men never seem to do that. Or if they do question their insecurities and compare themselves to other men, they never seem to voice those concerns or even dwell on the outcome of that comparison.

I've never heard a man ask if that other guy's jeans look better than his. And I've certainly never heard a man ask if he was a better father than his neighbor. Or friend. Or even a random dude at the grocery store.

Before I actually was a mom, it was so easy for me to judge other moms out there. I would venture to say I'm probably not the only one who has watched another mom's disciplinary tactics or listened to them voice their struggles and though to myself, "Ha! I will NEVER have that problem because my ways are so much better!" All I know is that I want to make the absolute best decisions for Charlotte, and I want to be the absolute best mom I can possibly be. I'm sure I will make mistakes because mistakes are inevitable in life. Thank the good Lord, we all make them.

I'm trying very hard not to compare myself to other moms these days. In the beginning, it really broke my heart that I wasn't able to breastfeed. If other moms were able to do it, I should have been able to as well. I was literally pissed off that for some reason so many other women had managed to conquer this feat, some even quite successfully. While my baby was just starving to death, there were other moms who bore their leaky boob pads proudly. It killed me! And I saw the look of disdain in some eyes when I shamefully admitted I was using formula to nourish my child. It was hard to overcome that feeling of inadequacy, especially in the beginning when I felt inadequate at everything!

As I strolled my Target onesie-clad baby and adorable little neighborhood girls wearing their adorable smocked bishop dresses just to play in the yard...I must admit I was originally more than a little intimidated. I would compare sweet Charlotte to their children and myself to the moms....and just feel like I fell totally short of the mom I expected myself to be. I threw my own little pity party on more than one occasion.

Facebook and blogs can also be a warzone for women, even if it is unintended sometimes. Some of the responses or comments I read are just so hateful and harsh it blows my mind! It almost makes you afraid to be honest about the things you want to discuss. It's rough looking at other peoples' photos and seeing extravagant birthday parties or crafty home decor. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge those people at all. I'm happy that they can manage to do all of those things, but there is some jealousy there, too, if I'm being totally honest. It's hard not to fall short every once in a while when you are trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Sometimes I find myself on the good side of my comparisons. I would think to myself "I'm never going to pawn my kid off on a babysitter every single weekend like so-and-so" or "I will spend much more time reading to my child rather than plopping them in front of the TV every evening." No, I'm not proud of it. Pride and insecurity are scary things to face, especially in the midst of the biggest unknown (new parenthood, duh) of my life thus far.

I've compared mine and H's relationship to other marriages. And let me tell you-that is pretty much always a recipe for disaster. There is always going to be someone else's situation that looks better from the outside looking in. It might look easier or more effortless, more loving or more romantic. But then again, you never get to see the stains on the carpet when you're on the outside looking in.

I really feel like this is a terrible habit of the female gender. I hate that so many of us feel like we have to tear other women down to build ourselves up. And I hate that we compare ourselves and our lifestyles to each other on so many different occasions when the simple truth is this: We are all different. Gloriously different. We have different kids, different parenting styles, different marriage relationships, different friendships. We like different foods and kinds of underwear; we even watch different televisions shows and like different kinds of music. It doesn't make me wrong and you right, it just makes us interesting and unique.

Now that I am in charge of the growth, develop, and general outcome of another human being, I'm trying really hard not to judge others so harshly. I've learned that maybe a more laid-back, less judgemental mom is the best kind of mom to be. And I've learned that sometimes the best intentions don't work out the way we planned or expected, and I would hate to know that someone is basing their opinion of me as a mother (or woman) on one simple mistake or bad decision. In the end, it doesn't really matter if Charlotte is wearing a smocked dress on a random Tuesday (although she did yesterday, yay for me!) or even if she doesn't have socks on when the baby next door is dressed like an eskimo when it's still 80 degrees outside. My baby might be smarter than yours, or she might not be potty trained before yours. But I'm going to try my best to reserve judgement and remember that all kids will reach their own milestones in their own time. To quote "Jersey Shore"... "I'm gonna do me. You do you"

I'm fairly certain it will make for a better life in the end.

However, let me worn you in advance....if you have stuffed animals in the back windshield of your car---then yes, I will probably still judge you.

But just a little.

Just My Opinion

When nothing exciting or interesting is happening in my own life, I tend to get wrapped up in political hoopla and the goings-on around me. I read a lot of news stories throughout the day and therefore I have become an EXPERT on current events. And by expert, I mean a person who owns a Smartphone and watches E! News daily.

Yep, that's me!

So, just in case you happen to be as bored as I am and are looking to hear/read a reasonably intelligent person's opinion about our current state of affairs, let me offer these little jewels of wisdom...

Alabama vs. the Illegal Immigrants
I am all for immigration if done legally. Most of us are descended from an immigrant (or two) somewhere along our geneology, and we should be thankful for all of the wonderful things our country has gained from others. Chicken Parmesan and Spicy Tuna Roll, I'm talking about you. We are blessed to live in a country that welcomes others despite their appearance, their religion or even their sexual orientation. There aren't many other countries in the world that will welcome you with open arms, all the while knowing that you will more than likely disrespect her flag, her troops, and her God. All we ask is that you pay taxes and contribute to the pot from which you are so contentedly sucking dry. I do feel sad for the little Hispanic children who are afraid their mommy or daddy won't be home when they get off the school bus. But, as cruel as it is to say...that ain't my problem, honey. Blame your mommy and daddy for not taking the time and energy to gain citizenship for the past 10 years while you and your 4 siblings attend a public school. It sucks for you, but that's what happens when you try to do something the easy way.

I know a lot of folks are up-in-arms because now we have a labor shortage and there is no one around who wants to pick peas, wash dishes, or work construction. And that leads me to my next point...

Welfare and Food Stamps
I believe our government has taken over the role that churches, families, and charity organizations used to fill. Yes, sometimes people fall on hard times and might need welfare and food stamps. For those times, we DO need some sort of agency in place to help us through those rough times. But welfare has become a life-long form of sustenance for too many in our population. We've created a society where women are rewarded for having children they can't afford and men are encouraged me be lazy because an actual J-O-B pays less than sitting on your ass watching Jerry Springer reruns. Let's put a time limit on welfare and food stamp assistance except for in cases of mental and physical handicaps and seniors over the age of 65. We need to encourage that spirit of "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps!" and taking pride in a hard day's work. If I have to work, by George, everyone else should have to as well!

Political Correctness
Nobody can say anything these days without getting somebody else's panties in a wad. As much as I would love to get into politics one day, I would probably be crucified after Day 1 on my campaign trail because I would say something inappropriate (probably trying to be funny) and someone, somewhere would be calling for my head. Apparently nobody ever taught the ACLU the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and just because it's different than mine doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to express it freely. (Again, see paragraph one about the freedoms we enjoy as Americans) In my honest opinion, we need to stop worrying so much about hurting someone's feelings or offending someone and do what is right for our country. Honestly, I could care less if Muslims are upset that Americans don't want a mosque at Ground Zero. Even enlightened folks (like myself)that realize not all Muslims are extremists don't really think that is the best way to pay homage to the people that died in that spot on that day. It's my opinion and I am allowed to have one. And thankfully, so are you.


Let me say that I don't classify myself as a Republican or a Democrat. I think we have way too many Republicans who are too caught up in themselves and their own agenda to make any real progress for the average citizen. Most of the Tea Baggers say they want less government, fewer taxes, and more freedoms, yet at the same time they want to limit the freedoms of expression and differences. And we have too many Democrats who are trying too hard to save the world to realize that too much going out and not enough coming in = DISASTER. If I were running for office, I would run under the Common Sense Party. (Not necessarily that Common Sense, Thomas Paine) I would stop spending countless tax dollars on grants to study the effects of the gravitational pull of underwear on llamas in the western states. Congressmen and Representatives would stay in Holiday Inns rather than Hiltons and The W Hotel, and committee meetings held "over drinks" would be on Senator X's back porch rather than after an $800 meal at Ruth's Chris.

We just need to get back to basics. Tighten the belt, reign in the beast, and get back to what made our country really great in the first place.

Typical Monday

Disclaimer: You know it's going to be a doozy when the disclaimer comes at the beginning of a story! But I want to warn you, this post is pretty gross so please go back to Facebook now if you have a weak stomach.


That night was rough. And oddly enough, it had nothing to do with having a new baby at home. She was completely innocent and blessedly immune to the trials and tribulations at our house on Monday, September 19th, 2011. The day that will live in infamy.

It all started when I walked in the door after a long day at work...

As I walked in the door, H said "Don't freak out! I know he smells like shit and I'm about to bathe him right now. He rolled in doodoo on his roam and now he smells terrible!"

The "he" H was referring to was our Chocolate Lab, Charlie. Aka Chuck. He likes to go for an afternoon roam around our neighborhood, but he usually comes back unscathed. And he had indeed rolled in some serious doodoo pile somewhere along our street. The whole house smelled like a bucket of crap. It smelled SO terrible it made my eyes water. And I'm used to smelling some pretty stinky stuff!

So H grabbed Chuck's leash and some shampoo and hauled his dirty butt outside for a bath. The poor dog was COVERED in dried, caked-on doodoo. It was all over him, including his previously red collar. Charlotte, Lois (the little dog) and I walked outside with them to watch the rather amusing spectacle. Then we took a nice leisurely stroll around the 'hood so Chuck would dry off somewhat. Ahhh...peace and sanity still ruled at this point in the evening.

When we walked back inside after our walk, the ENTIRE house smelled like poo. I thought "What is the deal?!?! He just had a bath, he doesn't stink now, why does the house smell like the toilet at a fraternity house!?!?!?" We searched and searched and eventually found the culprit.

It was underneath the bed.

Apparently not only had he rolled in some other dog's "surprise", he'd also eaten it. Yep. I said eaten it. And then he threw it up in a nice, neat little pile underneath our bed. And it smelled about the way you would expect it to smell.

Now is the time to mention H has a very weak stomach. That means Super Mom here was left to clean up that pile of disgustingness. He lifted the bed while I cleaned.

And all was right with the world again.

Until Chuck got on the couch and puked up the rest of his afternoon snack. At this point, I'm wondering exactly what kind of boots I want to make with dog hide, but I grab some paper towels and start cleaning. H grabs a garbage bag and attempts to help me dispose of the mess.

And then H vomits on the floor, too!

Heaven help me! I'm about to have a purse to go with those boots now!

So I cleaned up THREE piles of vomit last night. Count 'em: THREE! Like I said, it was a rough night in the Hysterical District. Thankfully sweet little innocent Charlotte slept right on through this debacle or I would have had to have been committed. But it's nothing a BIG glass of wine on my doodoo-free porch couldn't wash away!

Thank you Lord for dogs and husbands. My life would be awfully boring without them! But I'm warning you, think long and hard before you complain about another shitty Monday. It could always be worse!

The No-No List

For the duration of this pregnancy I have been planning, anticipating, thinking, scheduling, and contemplating parenthood. I have already decided that my child will not only be absolutely adorable, she will no doubt also be the smartest, funniest, wittiest, coolest, etc child that ever graced the planet.

Well...duh! If you are a parent or about to be a parent in less than 4 weeks and you DON'T think those things, I would be worried.

And of course, it must be said that the main reason why Sweet Charlotte will be so smart, funny, witty, adorable, and cool is because she will have the most intelligent, well-read, well-intentioned, and maternally blessed mom in the world. Oh yeah and dad, too, but this is my blog not his so let's focus on what's really important here.

Well...duh, again! If I didn't think I was going to be a fantabulous mom I wouldn't have been actively doing the deed that causes such things.

So in all my wisdom I have compiled a list of things that I/we will NOT be doing once Charlotte arrives. Now, if you find yourself somehow on the following list--please do not be offended. I fully realize that all children are different and all parents have different parenting styles. And I also realize that I am writing this pre-baby, before I've had to deal with the not-so-glamorous side of mommyhood. So take it all with a hefty portion of of salt.

Pregnancy Photos
I am talking about belly-baring photos here folks. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the "before" belly shots so I can be damn certain there will be NO photos of my belly while I am with child.

Delivery Room Photos
Call me vain, I don't care. But there will also be NO photos of any kind in the delivery room. Write it down because this might as well be written on the 10 Commandments that Moses brought down from the Mount. "Thou shalt not have pictures of your vagina on record-no matter the circumstances". I am more than happy to pose for pictures with my beautiful baby AFTER we are appropriately groomed and ready to make our debut, thankyouverymuch.

Co-Sleeping
H and I have a queen-sized bed that we already share with our 13 lb furbaby, Lois. And occasionally a 70 lb lab that likes to sneak in while I'm sleeping alone. Besides the fact that there is just literally no room at the inn, I'm a firm believer in the fact that babies and children need their own space just like adults do. Beds are for naughty, adult things like eating ice cream and watching reality television, NOT for "family togetherness" and such. Now I realize that if my child is scared or sick, this rule is bendable. But the exceptions will be few and far between, trust me.

Bedtime
Charlotte will have a bedtime until she is no longer living under our roof. We will not be those parents who let our child stay up until all hours of the night. Children and babies need structure and schedules. It helps them learn and pay attention, aids in digestion, makes them happier and more emotionally well-balanced....the list goes on. I had a bedtime until I left for college and look how great I turned out! Once she enters the real world and has a job, she will realize that even adults do better with a bedtime and schedule.

Homeschool
I think parents who homeschool their kids are weird. I also think most kids who are homeschooled are weird. Sorry! But seriously...kids learn more from school than just what they get from books. It's all about the experience as a whole-just like college. And as much as we might want to shield are children from the weirdos and freaks of the world, I don't know of any adults who have figured out how to hide from the weirdos and freaks once it comes time to do adult things like pay a mortgage. Embrace the freaks at an early age, that's my philosophy. If you can successfully dodge them on the playground, the office water cooler will be a breeze in 20 years.

Breastfeed
Yes, I am going to breastfeed. And I will do so successfully because I refuse to accept the alternate option of failing. I'm a winner and I will win at breastfeeding! (I repeat this quite often so don't laugh at me!) But, with that being said, I will not be one of those moms who is breastfeeding in public. Eewww. I know, I know...it's natural and blah, blah, blah. That's why they made bathrooms. And dressing rooms. And cars. There is no need to whip these things out in public and make other people watch my child at the trough. I don't want to watch YOU do it, so you know--the golden rule and all that stuff.

Also under this heading, but Point B: I will not be breastfeeding my toddler. Once the kid is old enough to say "Yo mom, whip that boob out! What's a kid gotta do to get some lunch around here!?!" I think it's time to move on to other options.

Again, feel free to laugh at my haughty list of things I think I won't be doing as a parent. In five years, if I'm still writing and imparting wisdom to the masses, feel free to laugh at me if you catch me breastfeeding my baby from the shopping cart while I peruse the isles at my local Winn Dixie. I promise I won't blame you one bit.

36 weeks and counting,
TDC

My Anniversary Gift

Our 4th wedding anniversary was March 17th (St. Patrick's Day!) and H went ALL OUT on the gift. And I'm not using any sarcasm when I say this either. The poor guy might have failed miserably on Valentine's Day for two years running, but I must admit he knows how to give good gifts when it comes to the most important occasions. He got me a delightful gift card to Nou Veau Salon & Spa. Although I've had massages in the past, I've never been here because it's a little on the pricey side. His gift card was over the top, but this pregnant lady NEEDED a good rub down! So I escaped to the spa on Saturday afternoon while he hit up the golf course. It was a win-win situation for both of us, what can I say! I got the "Mommy-To-Be" Massage and it was everything a massage should be. Relaxing, soothing, wonderful, etc, etc, et al. But....yes, I've noticed all my stories have a but. I'm really not a complainer, I swear to you. These are just a couple of random things I noticed while being groped by a woman named Yolanda. First of all, when you walk into the treatment room she says, "Please get as undressed as you feel comfortable, and get under the sheet." I immediately think, "As undressed as YOU feel comfortable, or as I feel comfortable?" If it were up to me, I would strip nekkid as a jaybird, tell her not to waste time with that sheet, and get to rubbin'....but I figured that might get be disbarred from the spa and therefore make the rest of my gift card amount null and void. Sooooo...I strip to panties and call it a day. Question: Is "underwear only" too naked? Should I have kept my bra on, too? Yolanda was wonderful, really she was. But she was a talker. And I as talkative as I am, there are some times when I just want you to shut up. The little Vietnamese ladies that do my nails? You know the ones--I feel no need to carry on a useless conversation about my day, my job, my family, my belly, or my weekend plans. Just paint my toenails, rub my feet, and let me read about Charlie Sheen in peace, thankyouverymuch. Same goes for Yolanda. As happy as I am that you thought you pooped on the table during childbirth, I just want to check out and relax for the next 60 minutes. Overall, it was a wonderful experience. If any dudes ever read this and find their wife/girlfriend/booty call in the family way--PLEASE buy her a Expectant Mother Massage. It will make her feel relaxed and loved, all at the same time! And on a totally different note: Apparently we are back to the drawing board with names. H informed me he wasn't crazy about Dayleigh. Personally I think the next time he pushes a baby out of HIS vagina he can name it whatever in the hell he wants to name it, but I guess that wouldn't be very nice of me. So.....Baby C is unnamed yet again! :(

What NOT to Watch Part I

What has happened to television lately? Seriously, here lately it seems like every time I turn my TV on I'm left asking....what the hell is this crap I'm watching? Here is a brief rundown of the shows that (in my opinion) we should all stay far, far away from. And I mean FAR. There haven't been any studies that prove these shows really do lower IQs and cause brain cells to die a slow, steady death, but I AM totally convinced these shows aren't really adding anything productive to our society.

Warning! Before reading this, let me put my little disclaimer out there first and foremost: Some of you are not going to agree with me on these choices. It's nothing personal and I am not calling you stupid for watching them (because hello, I had to have watched them at some point to comment on them here). And secondly, just because I detest these shows, for some reason they are like a car wreck--the outcome is terrible yet for some reason I just can't look away. Don't say I didn't warn you first.

Sarah Palin's Alaska--Now, those that know me know I am not a fan of Mrs. Palin. I personally think she is corny, fake, and not-that-smart. Although I will admit she is awfully pretty! I'm not sure if there is an actual point to this show other than to prove that she can indeed fire a shotgun and catch a fish. (But let me add that her clothes look like they were bought at the local North Face retailer about 10 minutes before taping began. No outdoorsman I've ever seen has clothes that clean.) She constantly complains about privacy and the flack her children get from HER political career, yet she parades them on national television for a paycheck? Hello pot...meet kettle. It shows her kids and grandkid, yet we never see the newest addition with Down Syndrome. In my opinion, a reality show would be a wonderful opportunity to showcase just how special children with DS are and how their lives can be productive and even somewhat normal. But no...let's leave little Trig locked in a closest somewhere, or out on the porch with the nanny who's still looking for Russia. And don't EVEN get me started on the episode with Kate Gosselin and her litter! Note to TLC: Let's stick to "19 Kids and Counting" and "Toddlers and Tiaras".

Chelsea Lately--Dear Chelsea Handler, I'm on the fence with this one. I tend to catch this show simply because there isn't anything else on at 10 pm (other than How I Met Your Mother reruns that I've seen a million times). It starts out funny. I laugh, I'm entertained for a moment. But I can't for the life of me figure out WHY a funny blond needs a Hispanic little person/midget/vertically challenged (I don't know the PC term for this) person as a sidekick. He isn't funny. And secondly...why are you so mean Chelsea? Just when I think I've started to become a fan, you say something so terribly mean it makes me cringe and change the channel.

Bridalplasty--While I'm on the E! bashing, let me continue with a show that has absolutely no good points whatsoever. This show is terrible and one that I will not watch ever again. These poor girls have the lowest self esteem and continue to degrade themselves week after week for the world's viewing pleasure. I'm not totally against plastic surgery, but I am against this show. And I'm against whomever does the programming for E! because "Wild Girls", "Married to Rock", and "Spin Crowd" need to disappear forever into the land of forgotten television series, never to be aired in syndication again.

Extreme Couponing--This show is sad. While I'm impressed that these women and men can manage to get $1000 of groceries for $8, I am also sad for them. Who has that much time to collect, cut, and use that many coupons? (Seriously, they said the typical couponer had thousands on hand at any given time) Obviously their local grocery store is nothing like mine because I want to get in and out as soon as humanly possible--not spend 6 hours of my life hassling the check-out clerks. Get a life, folks. Or better yet....get a job. When you work 40 hours a week, you have no desire to spend your precious few leftover hours looking online so you can buy 80 sticks of deodorant, 37 toothbrushes, and 1000 boxes of cereal for .37. Trust me--your local Winn-Dixie cashier will thank-you for not following in these people's footsteps.

And now....last but not least:

Bama Belles--I love Alabama. We are a beautiful state full of beautiful, intelligent people. Yet for some reason, TLC has found the dumbest bunch of redneck hussies East of the Mississippi. Apparently no one bothered to inform TLC executives what constitutes a Southern Belle, because let me be the first to tell you it is not a bandana and a pick-up truck. First of all, that white-trash Dakota (bless her bandana-clad heart) is a hot mess. Who cheats on her husband then proudly struts around the local bar like a celebrity because she has a low-budget television crew following her around? Secondly, I'm all for Yankees coming to town to learn a little about Southern culture, but if you don't like it Ms. Thang From NYC, well you can hop back on that horse and trot right on back to the big city for all we care. Thirdly, I have lived in the South my entire life, make that the Wiregrass basically my whole life, and I have never once been to a lawnmower race or to a party with sombrero-wearing donkey. (and I consider myself pretty darn county!) And newsflash: not all Southern ladies like to sit in a deer blind and pretend to hunt with their loudmouth friend, either. Last but not least (okay, not last because I could go on for days about the ridiculousness of this show) but since when did Dothan become so rural?!?! Last time I rode through the Circle City, I saw new-fangled notions like shopping malls, state-of-the-art hospitals, and by-golly...even one of them thar motorized horse and buggies!

Next time (in case anyone made it past the Palin Show-bashing paragraph without leaving me forever) I will give my "thumbs up" list of what to watch. If you care. And you probably don't, and that's okay, too--it's just for tits and giggles!

Now get your panties out of a wad and have a Happy New Year,
TDC

Ahhh, Bayfest....

Another Bayfest down and I lived to tell the tales! If you aren't familiar with our little city's annual 3-day music festival, let me enlighten you to some of the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things you might experience while strolling through downtown with the masses.

The Wonderful List is pretty short: hanging out with friends and family, fair food, a good song here and there, people watching, beautiful weather, the skyline of our lovely downtown....yep that's about it!

Now for the Not-So-Wonderful List:

First of all, if you have all your teeth you are already ahead of the pack. Apparently a steady intake of funnel cakes, jumbo corndogs, and "homemade" lemonade are not what 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend. They are also not what any nutritionist worth a grain of low-sodium sea salt would recommend either. I am not a skinny gal myself--never have been, and despite dieting and exercising for the better part of the last two decades, I probably won't ever be. However, while I have struggled with my body image at times, I can surely tell you that I have never and will never be 300+ lb woman defiantly eating a jumbo corndog in front of God and everybody.

Secondly, if you are already disillusioned with today's youth, this may not be the music festival for you. I heard such foul language from these hoodlums it made me question our purpose here on Earth. My dad has always said that a person who curses excessively is simply a person with a small vocabulary. And I agree 100%. I also saw so many inappropriately dressed young girls it was enough to make Lady Gaga roll over in her grave. (Even though she isn't dead--just follow me here!) Whatever happened to leaving something to the imagination!?!? Do parents these days not tell their daughters that if you dress like a slut, you're going to be treated as such?!?! I know the moms are usually the ones buying the clothes so I can't fathom WHY these girls are walking around wearing just slightly more than what I wear to bed! (And I usually sleep in my birthday suit, if that's not too much information :)

And that brings me to the next point, which I suppose answers my previous "how do these girls get these hoochie mama clothes?" question. I guess it is hard to tell your daughter to dress appropriately when you are sneaking in her closet when she isn't looking and stealing one of her tops. And then you wear it as a dress. To Bayfest. If I could have conducted a social experiment where I asked random scantily-clad women if they stole their outfit from their 13-year-old daughter's closet and gotten $1 for every yes--let's just say I wouldn't drive a Nissan. My Granny would have had a heart attack if she would have seen these things! I almost did and I'm pretty hard to shock! The only good thing that I can possibly derive from a mom and daughter sharing a shockingly awful wardrobe is that at least they get to spend more time on the street corner hookin' and less time shopping.

I guess I am a glutton for punishment because as much as I'm complaining about Bayfest....this is my third or fourth year! Haha! In my defense, I've always gotten free tickets and VIP passes so it has required little to no effort on my part. Because you can bet your life on this statement--If I had to actually BUY tickets...well, I just wouldn't buy tickets. But with free tickets it is more enjoyable. And in all honesty, I usually do have a good time in the end. Even if the line up is chock-full of one-hit wonders and musicians who haven't been relevant since my mom was quoting "Urban Cowboy", it is fun to go and gawk at the toothless wonders with powdered sugar all down the front of their Shinedown t-shirt.

I don't hate. I appreciate! See ya next year!

The Fellowship of Football

The weather is still hot as blue blazes outside, but I have Fall on the brain! Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I love the crisp, cool mornings and the beautiful colors of the leaves. I love that my unruly curly hair finally catches a break from all this humidity. People are nicer once the thermometer drops below 80. Outdoor activities even become enjoyable rather than oppressive and unbearable. Overall, there really isn't much of anything I don't like about Fall.

Every year about this time the college football countdown begins. H is beside himself with excitement, even though his favorite college team won the National Championship and his favorite NFL team won the Super Bowl last year. Apparently when all your football dreams come true in one year, all it does is make you hope it happens consecutively. His excitement is cute, and it tends to be contagious. He starts looking for a new hat. He starts tuning in to ESPN practice coverage. He even starts preparing our Football Game-Watching Schedule.

And that is where I come in!

I may not know a tight end from a cornerback or a shoulder pad from an athletic cup (hehe, okay I DO know the difference on that one!), but I do know how to throw a football party! I love football season simply because I love any excuse to host/attend/plan a shindig. There is nothing better than getting a few friends together to watch the game, have a few cocktails, and eat yummy dips and finger foods!

While Harris is busy checking out the opponents' stats and info, I am busy making dips and cleaning the house. Windows and doors are opened so the smell of grills can mingle with the air of excitement. Both men and women spend just a few extra minutes picking the perfect game-day attire. Coolers are washed out and we all contribute a little bit more to the beer economy. Each guest will inevitably bring a dish--simply because that's how it's done in the South. There is always a lot of laughter, food, and libations. At the end of the evening, even the losers tend to go home happy. Or at least full.

Happy Football Fellowship to you all! May your team charge to victory and may God give them wings on their cleats! (Unless your favorite team is playing my favorite team, in which case scratch all of that!)

Geaux Saints! War Damn Eagle! And last but not least....Go Trojans!